Monday, September 10, 2012

Musings and Hope

After a year of being abroad, I realized some things about myself:

I am not the weak, emotionally-overrun girl I knew in high school. I am moved by the world around me, inspired by the events that occur on a day to day basis. I cry when something makes me insanely happy, and I sob when my chest aches for seemingly no reason whatsoever. Rather than see these as signs of emotional instability, I see them as a cause for joy. I have an innate ability to express myself emotionally. It's painfully easy for me to express how I feel, even if I don't know a concrete adjective to do so.

With that said, I am a body full of opinions. I don't want to break the peace, and would rather keep my nasty thoughts to myself than disrupt the harmony of a group. However, I will not let someone tell me what I think is stupid, irrelevant, or wrong. I have a mind of my own, and I will not let you tell me what to do. Not anymore.

Living in Japan had made me independent. I went to Japan running away from a series of events, many deep, bitter contemplations about myself and others, and I hoped to some superior being that I would be able to land in my dream. Thankfully, someone heard me struggling. I had so much help along the way, so much encouragement, that it makes me cry with joy. I have a feeling some of my friends would tell me that I did all of these things on my own, or that my determination is what got me where I am today, but I'm only human, and I feel that I would not have been able to have such a great experience without my support group, American, Japanese, Italian, German, Norwegian, Filipino, Malaysian, French, Chinese, Singaporean, Thai, Sri Lankan, and Korean. I've had so much encouragement from the world, and met so many wonderful people. I'm so grateful for all of you.

The purpose of this blog entry is simply to analyze the thoughts running through my mind. Today was not a bad day. On the contrary, it was quite a good day considering I drove my car for the first time by myself since my return to the states nearly two weeks ago. However, it is one of the days where I've found my emotions a bit too much to handle. My future academic career, human relationships, financial status, and impending entrance into the job market weigh heavily on my mind today.

I feel as though lately, my voice has grown stronger, but I am unable to reach the person I so desperately want to speak with. I don't think that person reads this blog, and if they do, I'm a bit surprised. I won't say more than that this matter pains me.

At times like this, I need to remember that I have friends and family who are around me. I have a family around the world. I can do anything I want to.

In retrospect, this means my voice isn't loud enough.

There's no use crying. It only stuffs-up my sinuses, flushes my cheeks, and I look pathetic. But this is the first time I cried since I left Japan.

Watching Narita airport fade in the distance made me choke up on the plane. My friends and I agreed not to cry, but I couldn't hold back one tear. the green grass eventually grew further and further out of reach, fading into checkered rice patties and farms. Blue turned into white, and from there, we sailed through the sky. I couldn't sleep, and I took a Dramamine in hopes of making myself drowsy. The Dramamine then combined with red wine during dinner, and I still fought my eyelids. Sleeping meant the trip would end soon, and I desperately didn't want to go home.

But being back in Texas is familiar, and the view of my backyard is comforting. It's nice to be around my family and animals. For now, I'll do my best until I can go back to the country I came to love.

Mascara tears don't make this blog entry any better. It's time for me to crawl into a bed, motivate myself to study at least a little for my classes tomorrow, and realize that I can't do more than my best.

No comments:

Post a Comment